My thoughts have been all over the place lately. So many thoughts rambling around in my head. One memory I can't get out is of Calvin's burial. I was thinking of it the other night and wanted to call my sister, Donna, to relate it. It was a very emotional day, I didn't know if she'd heard it. Of course I couldn't call her, tears were streaming down my face.
The funeral was hard for all of us, but I think the burial was even harder. For me, the thought of putting someone in the ground is unimaginable. We were there to put my nephew in the ground. That's not right, that shouldn't happen. My older kids favorite cousin had died and this was their first experience with loss. My first experience with someone so close and young. Nobody really knew how to act. In my head I look around at all that's going on. My husband, Craig, David and my Dad all stood at attention and saluted the honored. Others put flowers on the casket. His sweet brother Clayton just sat on a chair, sad. Grandma McLean went over and sat with him. I don't think a lot of words passed. Cole kept talking about the awesome limo ride he took from the Church to the cemetery. My dad wanted photos, but couldn't do it and handed the camera over to me. The scouts lined the cemetery grounds holding flags, in full uniform. It was absolutely breathtaking. It was cold, windy and miserable outside. That's how we felt on the inside too.
But the one memory that keeps coming back to me is of my brother, Tim. He put his hand on the coffin, bowed his head for a moment, then kissed the coffin. It was the sweetest gesture I had seen that day. Tears were running down his face too. This is what I had to tell Donna. Somehow the memory is still so fresh. It's a good memory, but it always brings tears.
It's been over a year now. The burden is no lighter. Calvin would turn 15 this month and we all know he would have been a handful. I love to think about all the great times we had together. I loved him and Clayton coming to spend a week with us in the summer. It was those times that I really got to know them. Clayton still came last summer and it was so much fun to have him. But it was a little hard to, I missed Calvin.
Last night Mac couldn't fall asleep, so he popped in the "Calvin DVD". It's a collection of photos of Calvin's life. He watched it for a long time. He told me today with a smile on his face. I'm so glad we have all the happy memories!
I love you Calvin.
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6 comments:
Jen what a beautiful way to remember such a tragic time. we love and miss you guys a lot.
I dido what Candy says. It's wonderful that through such a hard time that you can remember the good things! Let God and His angels be with you guys as you continue to grieve.
It is the good times that we have to hold on to. And that was such a hard week!! Who knew how hard it was going to be and still be!! I had a hard time ever just sitting or thinking because I didn't want to really believe what was happening. I didn't really cry for a long time - because I knew when it started, I wouldn't be able to stop it! And I was right!! I had to make little jokes here and there - knowing that Calvin would have loved that:) I know he doesn't want us to be sad - but I also think he understands when we are!! It is so hard losing someone we love at such an early age and when there is no warning!
This is the best post you have ever written. It was right on target and allowed me to see Calvin's funeral from your eyes - things that I was not able to see. We love our insights and love.
Thank you for sharing. I don't remember much from that day. I'm glad someone was able to capture photos. We miss him terribly and it aches knowing my children will grown up without knowing their cousin Calvin.
Thank you
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